Natural Consequences or Punishment?

Which is most effective?

One of the most important aspects of being a parent is teaching our children to be responsible.  This is not an easy job, as I am sure you know.  When our children make mistakes or fail to take their contributions to the family and their school seriously we are faced with a decision.  How do we help our children to understand how important these things are?  

Traditionally some form of punishment has been the tool most used.  And it will work, but usually only as long as the parents are present and checking up on the child. Punishment often results in feelings of fear, anger and revenge toward the parent. 

What we wish for is willing cooperation, and a good attitude toward work  As our children become teenagers we hope they are able to make good choices,  stay true to our family values and to be an asset to the family, the school and ultimately, the world.  

Natural or logical consequences have helped many families successfully move toward these goals.  It does take a bit of re-thinking on our part.  

Here is an example of an effective consequence:

Eight year old Billy has a new bike.  He loves everything about it!  His parents show him a specific spot where the bike is to be parked when he is not using it.  They emphasize how important it is to keep the bike safe. For a week or so Billy parks the bike carefully each time he is finished riding.  But one day he is in a hurry and leaves it in the driveway.  Sadly, a delivery truck runs over the bike.  It is ruined beyond repair.  

Billy storms into the house, crying and upset.  This is where most parents would usually begin with "I told you not to leave your bike in the driveway.  Now look what you have done!"  Ah, but Billy already knows that.  

Now let"s look at another way to approach the problem which will result in a hard lesson well learned.  Billy storms into the kitchen yelling "My bike got run over.  It's ruined!"  Dad takes a moment to calm down, then says, "Oh wow.  That is so sad.  I can see you are really upset."  This little bit of sympathy is not approval of what happened but merely recognizing the child's feelings.  This results in the child being more able to hear what comes next.  It is very important not to sound angry at this point.  Billy, with tears on his face, says, "Dad, I am sorry.  I had to go to the bathroom and I forgot.  Can I get a new bike?"

This is the most important part!  Dad says: "Oh, I see how sorry you are.  Yes, of course you can get a new bike.  How will you pay for it?"  Bingo!  Billy sobs, and says he doesn't have any money.  "Please Dad.  I'll take care of it.  Please get me a new bike."  Dad says the budget for new bikes is all gone.  He then asks if Billy would like some ideas on how to make money.  Some possibilities are:  taking on some jobs (not his regular contributions to the family) such as weeding the flower bed, walking the dog, etc.  Another possibility is to allow the child to "sell" some of his possessions.  For example:  "I know you have a lot of Legos and a train set.  We could sell those and put the money toward a new bike."  Billy will probably say: "But I love those."  And of course the answer is, "Well, a new bike or keep your favorite toys.  It is your choice. Let me know what you decide/" 

Using this approach achieves several things.  It puts the responsibility on the child.  It helps the child to understand our actions have consequences.  It gives the child a choice about how to solve the problem and equally importantly, the child sees his parent as fair, understanding and very, very firm.  It is hard to be angry with a parent who is trying to help. 

If the child begins to whine, complain or have a temper tantrum, go back to our second session for help!

This approach does take practice, and with practice, will become a great tool for raising responsible children, teens and finally adults.  If you have the book Parenting with Love and Logic, read chapter 7:  The Recipe for Success:  Empathy with Consequences. Good luck and remember you can post questions at the bottom of this page or email me at :

virginiastautinger@gmail.com

Peace is Possible: Dealing with Complaining, Arguing and Begging

We wonder, is it too much to ask our children to cooperate, to accept no as an answer, to understand they cannot always have what they want? 

And yet for many of us, this is a daily battle.  The necessary tasks of life become a battle ground:  getting dressed, putting away belongings, helping out around the house and brushing teeth.

At the grocery store we are begged  for candy or toys, although we have said no many times.  And the list goes on.  

Lucky for us, there are some tried and true ideas that have worked for many parents.  These are not magic (wouldn't that be great?), they require hard work, lots of patience and possibly most important of all, consistency.  That last one was nearly my downfall. 

Let's begin with one simple response to begging and pleading.  We'll use the grocery store and asking for candy as an example.  Now, of course, before we leave for the store we make sure we say that there will be no candy purchases made today.  

As you begin to check out, the display of candy catches the child's eye.  "Mom, look.  That's my favorite candy!  Can I have one? "  "No, I told you, no candy at the store today."  "But, mom, I really want one.  I'll be good.  The next time I won't ask, I promise."  "I said, NO CANDY."  Our patience is wearing thin at this point, and we often follow up with "How many times do I have to tell you, NO."  Ah, and then the tears begin and the voice gets louder.  People are starting to give us "that look".  You know...why doesn't she control that kid look.  And everything goes downhill from here, including threats of punishment when we get home, never getting candy again and increasing anger on both sides.  

Instead, try this (I promise you it works!):  "Mom, there's my favorite candy!  Can I have one?"  "Oh, I know you really like that candy.  Today is the day we are not buying candy."  " But I really, really want one."

Now, here is the magic:  we choose a simple phrase to repeat every time the child argues, begs or whines.  I like "I know."  Some others are:  I see.  That's sad.  Oh my.  You get the idea.  And we must say this with the most quiet, bored voice possible.  No anger, no frustration, no sarcasm.  This is the hard part.  There may be a full fledged temper tantrum, but stick to the same words.  If necessary, leave the store.  (More about that next week.)  Before long the child gets the idea that begging, pleading, anger and whining do not work.  Children will only continue with behavior which gets a result.  That result may be making the parent angry (I am powerful.  I can make mom mad.) or getting the candy (Mom doesn't mean what she says) .  

Another idea that can work wonders in some situations is to turn our no into yes.  Now, that does not mean letting the child do whatever they want.  Often we can rephrase our response to a request like this: 

"Dad, can we go to the park and play ball?"  Now it is not possible.  You are busy, it is nearly dark and dinner is ready.  Of course, no is the answer.  Ah, but how about this: Yes, that would be a lot of fun.  We can go to the park on Saturday morning.  It should be a sunny day and I will be finished this job by then.  Or would you rather go on Sunday?  I can do either one.  The child may say he wants to go now and we respond: I know. Would you like to go on Saturday or Sunday?  Almost always the child will like having a choice and be understanding about the delay.  Save the no for those times when there isn't an alternative.  

For more help in this area please join us on October 14, 2016  at 8:30 a.m. in the elementary multipurpose room for our monthly Parenting with Love and Logic meeting.  Everyone is welcome, and you may also bring friends or relatives who may be interested.  Also, you may leave questions and comments by clicking on the comment button at the bottom of the page.  Have a great week!