Natural Consequences or Punishment?

Which is most effective?

One of the most important aspects of being a parent is teaching our children to be responsible.  This is not an easy job, as I am sure you know.  When our children make mistakes or fail to take their contributions to the family and their school seriously we are faced with a decision.  How do we help our children to understand how important these things are?  

Traditionally some form of punishment has been the tool most used.  And it will work, but usually only as long as the parents are present and checking up on the child. Punishment often results in feelings of fear, anger and revenge toward the parent. 

What we wish for is willing cooperation, and a good attitude toward work  As our children become teenagers we hope they are able to make good choices,  stay true to our family values and to be an asset to the family, the school and ultimately, the world.  

Natural or logical consequences have helped many families successfully move toward these goals.  It does take a bit of re-thinking on our part.  

Here is an example of an effective consequence:

Eight year old Billy has a new bike.  He loves everything about it!  His parents show him a specific spot where the bike is to be parked when he is not using it.  They emphasize how important it is to keep the bike safe. For a week or so Billy parks the bike carefully each time he is finished riding.  But one day he is in a hurry and leaves it in the driveway.  Sadly, a delivery truck runs over the bike.  It is ruined beyond repair.  

Billy storms into the house, crying and upset.  This is where most parents would usually begin with "I told you not to leave your bike in the driveway.  Now look what you have done!"  Ah, but Billy already knows that.  

Now let"s look at another way to approach the problem which will result in a hard lesson well learned.  Billy storms into the kitchen yelling "My bike got run over.  It's ruined!"  Dad takes a moment to calm down, then says, "Oh wow.  That is so sad.  I can see you are really upset."  This little bit of sympathy is not approval of what happened but merely recognizing the child's feelings.  This results in the child being more able to hear what comes next.  It is very important not to sound angry at this point.  Billy, with tears on his face, says, "Dad, I am sorry.  I had to go to the bathroom and I forgot.  Can I get a new bike?"

This is the most important part!  Dad says: "Oh, I see how sorry you are.  Yes, of course you can get a new bike.  How will you pay for it?"  Bingo!  Billy sobs, and says he doesn't have any money.  "Please Dad.  I'll take care of it.  Please get me a new bike."  Dad says the budget for new bikes is all gone.  He then asks if Billy would like some ideas on how to make money.  Some possibilities are:  taking on some jobs (not his regular contributions to the family) such as weeding the flower bed, walking the dog, etc.  Another possibility is to allow the child to "sell" some of his possessions.  For example:  "I know you have a lot of Legos and a train set.  We could sell those and put the money toward a new bike."  Billy will probably say: "But I love those."  And of course the answer is, "Well, a new bike or keep your favorite toys.  It is your choice. Let me know what you decide/" 

Using this approach achieves several things.  It puts the responsibility on the child.  It helps the child to understand our actions have consequences.  It gives the child a choice about how to solve the problem and equally importantly, the child sees his parent as fair, understanding and very, very firm.  It is hard to be angry with a parent who is trying to help. 

If the child begins to whine, complain or have a temper tantrum, go back to our second session for help!

This approach does take practice, and with practice, will become a great tool for raising responsible children, teens and finally adults.  If you have the book Parenting with Love and Logic, read chapter 7:  The Recipe for Success:  Empathy with Consequences. Good luck and remember you can post questions at the bottom of this page or email me at :

virginiastautinger@gmail.com