We often give children the message that being angry is
bad. Parents will say, “Don’t be upset” or
“You shouldn't get mad over that.” Minimizing their feelings may also make the
child doubt his own feelings or increase the anger. Saying “It’s no big deal.” or “Don’t be such
a baby.” will not solve the problem. Asking a child “Why are you so angry?” may
result in the child shutting down or
making up a reason. They may not really
understand why they feel that way.
So how can parents help the child deal with situations that
provoke anger, hurt and sadness? All of
these skills are most effective when modeled by the parents rather than talked
about.
1.
Make sure
the child understands that being angry is a normal emotion. Everyone feels
angry at times.
2.
Show empathy and recognize the child’s
feelings. You might say: “Wow, you sure
look upset.” or “You sound angry.” Let
the child respond without asking questions.
3.
Identify
inappropriate responses to anger: name
calling, physical aggression or any sort of violence, threatening, attempting
to alienate friends.
4.
Show appropriate ways to deal with anger:
telling the person that you are angry and why, writing about it, physical
exercise, meditating, drawing a picture, hitting a pillow or other inanimate
object.
5.
Be sure child sees adults using these techniques
as they verbalize what they are doing.
This is not done directly to the child but within his hearing. For
example: “It makes me angry when a friend forgets to meet me for lunch. I waited a long time. I am going to call her and tell her how upset
I am and ask her to please call me if she can’t meet me. But first I am going to take a walk around
the block and calm down so I can help her to understand.”
6.
Remember we cannot take away inappropriate
responses to anger without teaching more effective tools. Then the anger is just suppressed and become
worse.
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