Consequences Instead of Punishment: Building character and maturity

We have all been there...our child makes a poor choice and creates a problem for his or her self.  We know we want them to learn an important lesson, but how to bring that about?

And what is the difference between consequence and punishment?

Punishment is often not related to the problem at all.  For example...see the bike at the top of the page?

Mom and Dad finally bought the much wanted bike for their son.  A designated place was marked off in the driveway (or garage) and the child was told: " When you are not on your bike it must be in its parking place and no where else.

One day the boy was in a hurry to get inside and he left the bike in the middle of the driveway.  Sadly, a delivery truck did not see it and ran over it.
Oh, the wailing and tears.  "Dad, dad my bike is ruined.  I love that bike so much."

So the punishment response might be: "See I told you what would happen if you left that bike in the wrong place.  And now it is ruined and you don't have a bike.  You need to pay attention when I tell you something.  You will have no TV for two weeks.  Maybe that will teach you to be more responsible."
As understandable is the parents anger, this punishment and response is not the best way to get the result of better behavior.  It is not directly related to the mistake.

Now for the consequence response:  Oh, my son.  I know how much that bike means to you.  You really love having it, don't you?"  This is empathy and sympathy, but NOT approval of the mistake.
The boy gets that Dad understands how upset he is and replies:
"Can I have another bike, please, please?"  Of course we might want to reply, "No way.  You left it out and now it is gone."

So try this: " Yes, you can have another bike.  How do you plan to pay for it?"  This puts the problem back in the child's lap.  He will probably say that he doesn't have any money.  Responding with "Well we can talk about some ways for you to earn money.  And you have some money from your birthday."  It may take a long time for the money to accumulate (and the parent can chip in after a while or offer payment for extra jobs around the home).  This is a real consequence of the child's actions.  It is a lesson that is fair, delivered without anger, and gives him a way to right the wrong. From this he will learn responsibility, the advantages of hard work, and that his parents are fair and reasonable, but follow through when mistakes are made.

As with all new things, it may take a while to get comfortable with this approach, but the dividends are worth it.  The time to teach responsibility is when the child is young.  These are what we call affordable mistakes, mistakes that do not have dire results.  We want our children to learn these lessons before the teen years, when mistakes and errors in judgement can have serious consequences and even life changing problems.