Sunday, January 10, 2016

Building Concentration and Managing Distraction

Image result for Television
  
We all want our children to be able to concentrate, to pay attention in school and at home and to have the ability to stay with a task, read a book or listen carefully. 

As parents what can we do to help them grow in these important skills?  

First we must look at any barriers that hold back strength in these areas.  In our present society there are many distractions, both for adults and children.  Some adults have learned to filter out those things that interfere with thinking, with work and with making good choices.  It may take years to develop these skills. 

Children, by their very nature, are open to all experience, to learning from their environment and to take in all of the information that comes from their senses.  In Montessori we utilize this ability by using multi-sensory approaches to learning.  Lessons often have components of multiple senses such as touch, hearing, seeing and at times, tasting and smelling and  are presented in a quiet, orderly environment which encourages focus and concentration. 

Unfortunately, this quality which allows them to learn quickly and well, also results in an openess to distraction.  Think about the average home.  There may be music playing, a television on, someone on a phone, another on a computer or tablet, electronic games with bells, music and voices and perhaps even more than one of these devices being used at a time.  

Visual clutter is another barrier which often goes unnoticed.  We fill our homes, workplaces and classrooms with pictures, furniture, clothes, toys, appliances and all the other items we use on a daily basis.  Of course we need and want most of these in our daily lives. 

One other problem area is the adult habit of interrupting concentration.  As supportive adults it is important to recognize when a child is focused on a task:  reading, playing, talking, doing chores and so forth.  We must try not to interrupt this concentration by asking too many questions:
"How is that book?"  "Are you having fun?"   "Look, your blanket is crooked."   Of course, we mean well and it is good to have conversations with children.  Learn to observe and only begin a conversation when the child is ready. 

So how do we go about reducing  auditory and visual clutter to help our children develop these essential skills?

Electronic devices have become a normal part of our every day lives.  I was in line at the grocery store today ( a very long line) and realized how chaotic it was.  Electronic cash registers, beeping and blinking on the screen.  A separate screen playing music, running ads for products and for the store, customers on cell phones, children playing games on their tablets, voices over the intercom with messages for cashiers and sales people, and loud voices struggling to be heard over the din of all this noise.  Not surprisingly, quite a few children were distressed; crying, whining, asking for candy, while their equally distressed parents were trying to settle them down, pay for their purchases and negotiate the electronic card reader, all at the same time.  

In our Montessori classrooms we maintain an organized environment with all materials ready to use and in the same place every day.  There is a coat rack the children can reach, water and snacks readily available and, other than 1 computer in the elementary, no electronics.  Voices are kept at a conversational level and concentration is respected and encouraged by having the students work as long as they wish on lessons and projects.  Of course, their responsibility is to work diligently and not disturb their classmates.  The result is a much higher level of peaceful concentration.  

Our homes must meet the needs of both adults and children so it is a bit more challenging.  Try beginning with limiting the use of electronic devices.  The American Pediatric Association recommends no screen time at all for children up to two years of age.  That's right, no television, tablets, movies, etc.  The brain of this age child is developing rapidly.  Social skills are being formed and language is being learned at an amazing rate.  Screen activities teach the brain not to concentrate as they break focus about every 30 seconds.  Children who are in front of a screen are not listening to others, watching for social clues and most importantly, not forming social relationships with others.  Between the ages of 2 until 9 or 10 only 1 hour of total screen time is recommended, increasing to 1 1/2 hours after the age of 10.  

Provide other activities such as board games, singing, dancing, art and outside play time.  Every child needs at least 1 hour of active outside activity to remain healthy.  An excellent book about the necessity of outside play in "Last Child in the Woods" by Richard Louv.  

Turn off the television if no one is watching it and remember that even if the children do not seem to be watching, the negative effects still take place if they are in the room.  Try to keep phone use to a minimum when children are present.  Let them see that face to face conversations are more fun.  Children learn to read facial expressions and understand much better when they can both see and hear.  Read to your child everyday.  Let them see you reading for pleasure.  Tell them stories from your childhood!  These activities build connection, trust and joy, all of which will help your child to be more connected, concentrated and content. 

In the car instead of a movie or tablet game, sing, talk and play verbal games.  In the next post there will be ideas for replacing some of the electronic clutter with activities that will help your child to concentrate, understand and stay with a task.  

In the meantime, try organizing your child's environment, respect their concentration and encourage activities with others rather than screen time.  
Every little step helps and the rewards will be great for your whole family! 





Friday, December 18, 2015


Building Empathy and Support When Your Child is Sad




We like to think of childhood as a happy time, a time when our sons and daughters are peaceful, free of stress and enjoying life.  Of course there are always those situations when our children are hurt, lonely, angry or any of the other human emotions.  It is during these times we tell them "Oh, it's not that bad." or "Don't cry." or "You'll get over it."  We mean well and think these statements will help console our sad boy or girl.  Unfortunately, the result is most often the opposite of what we intend.  So how do we go about helping?

First and always we must show the child that we understand and recognize how they are feeling.  For example, if a child is crying, rather than ask "Why are you crying?" try saying, "You look sad (or upset, or angry).  If the response is "I'm not sad" it is important not to argue, but just to say something like "I hope you feel better soon.  If you want to tell me about it I will listen."  Sometimes the child just needs a little time to process what is going on.  

Some phrases that work:
  • Wow.  You seem angry.
  • That is a sad face.
  • You look like you are disappointed
  • It seems your feelings might be hurt
  • Oh gosh.  You are crying. 
Notice we never tell the child how they are feeling, only how it appears to us.  It is very important for the child to recognize and express their own feelings when they are ready.  

Once the child calms down we can offer help.  Again it is important not to give directions.  One way that often works is to say "I know some things that have helped other children.: If you want to hear them, let me know."  or "I have a few ideas when you are ready to hear them."  This helps the child feel in control of herself and the situation.  

If the child has made a mistake or broken a rule it is still important to show understanding before the consequences take place.  We can say things such as "Oh how sad.  Being out in the rain ruined your bike."  or "Uh oh.  Your sister took back her books.  It is sad that the pages got torn."

Showing understanding and empathy does not mean that we approve of the behavior, only that we understand the feelings and situation.  When we show empathy the child feels understood and loved and is more ready to face the consequences of her actions or to find a solution to her unhappiness. 

Although these ideas may seem strange to those of us who were parented differently, they do work and help the children to gain a true sense of responsibility and self worth.  

Please post comments and questions if you wish or share your experiences.  






Monday, October 12, 2015

The Importance of Family Meals


The Importance of Family Meals

How easy it is to let the family meal slip away from our every day lives.  We are busy, tired and sometimes feel that cooking at the end of the day is the last thing we want to do.  

Here are a few thoughts and some ideas that will help bring everyone together at the table. 

Why is it so important to share food with each other?  A child's first comfort comes from being held in a mother or father's arms and being fed.  Feeling cared for and loved is a need that continues throughout life and sharing a meal is an important element of life.  

This is a time for sharing stories, laughing and feeling close to one another.  Meal times should not be stressful or a time to teach children table manners and politeness.  These skills can be shared with the children at an earlier time as a lesson rather than a correction.  Of course, modeling the behavior we want to see is the best way to teach our children.  They want to be like us, to behave like us and to sound like us, so showing them our best manners and attitude is very important.  

When our society was largely agriculture based,  meals were always a family gathering.  Children helped pick fruit and vegetables, gathered eggs, milked the cows and participated in the preparation of the food.  As most of us live in towns and cities now how can we bring back this opportunity for family togetherness?

Here are a few ideas:
  • Give children some choices as the meals for the week are being planned,  An hour spent on the weekend will result in easier week day evenings.  Make sure to present no more than two choices at a time:  "Should we have tacos or spaghetti on Monday?" 
  • Let children help make the shopping list.  If they are old enough to write they love doing this job.
  • Prepare as much as possible on the weekend.  Cook the soup, make the spaghetti sauce, wash and cut the vegetables.  Children love to help.  Montessori children help prepare snack on a daily basis.  Be sure to have serrated knives with round tips and child size tools when possible.  At the end of the blog is a link to a great source for these items.
  • Set the table:  add a few flowers or herbs in a vase.  Children love to do this, and arrange flowers at school.  Small containers such as bottles and jars look lovely with just a few springs of green or a wild flower or two.  This helps make meal time a special occasion.
  • Playing some soft music is pleasant and makes for good conversation. 
  • Eating outside in good weather is relaxing, casual and fun for the whole family.
  • \This is a good time to show how delicious and appealing healthy food can be.  Encourage, but do not force children to try new things.  Seeing parents enjoy a variety of food is the best way to get children to eat their meal.  
  • Try to avoid processed food and restaurant take out.  Preparing the meal together sets the stage for a pleasant meal and is far more healthful for everyone.  
  • Never use food as a punishment or reward.  The purpose of food is nourishment and enjoyment.  It is very important to remember this. 
  • If the child doesn't want to eat, that is all right.  We cannot force a child to eat.  However, when the meal is over, there are no snacks or other food until the next meal.  If the child says he or she is hungry later, the answer is "You will really enjoy your next meal."  
At first, if this is too difficult to do everyday, begin with several meals a week and increase slowly.  Most of all cherish this time with your family.  The memories that are made by sharing food and stories around the table cannot be replaced.  ENJOY!

A source for child sized tools and cooking implements:  http://www.forsmallhands.com/



Wednesday, October 7, 2015

What to Do in Houston: Fall Fun for Everyoe


Beautiful autumn weather is here!  Time to get outdoors with our children and enjoy the season and have fun together. 

If you are up for a day trip the picture above is from Shangri La Gardens in Orange Texas, a pleasant 2 hour drive from Houston.  This is a true wonderland full of activities and natural beauty.  The Stark Foundation funds the gardens, a museum, a theater and a historical home in Orange.  From October 14 to November 7 there is a scarecrow festival where the garden paths are lined with creative scarecrows and pumpkins.  There is a children's garden, a lake, a pontoon boat ride on the bayou, an amazing nature center with children's activities and much more.  Go to http://starkculturalvenues.org/shangrilagardens/ for all of the activities and other informaltion. 




Boy Baking Stick Bread 
A not to be missed  and free event is Pioneer Days at Jesse Jones Park and Nature Center located at 
20634 Kenswick Drive  Humble, Texas 77338  www.hcp4.net/jones
Saturday, November 14, 2015 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. 
 DEMONSTRATIONS Pioneer construction skills, Spinning and weaving ,Daily settler chores, soap making Settler crafts,“Native” lore,  Survival skills, Reenactments Heritage music Pioneer cooking  a much more.  Chidren can participate in churning butter, grinding corn, pumping water, shooting an arrow, just to name a few.   The Pioneer homestead features a Corn crib and shed, Chicken house, Smokehouse, Wagon rides, Root cellar,  Log cabin, Wood shop, Bread oven,  Settler garden, Blacksmith shopm Mountain man camp and an authentic Akokisa Indian. 
Visit the web site above for more events:  An Old Fashioned Christmas, boat rides on Cypress Creek, fishing, nature walks, etc.  The park has picnic areas, playgrounds, hiking and biking trails and fishing.  

We don't have to spend a lot of money, fight crowds of people or travel many miles to have a great week. 

Picnics at nearby parks can be wonderful.  Pack a lunch, grill a burger, go kayaking, hike or bike the  trails, play games or read a book near a lake or under a tree.  With a little planning you have all you need for days of family fun.

We are fortunate to have many beautiful and free places close by.  Here are a few ideas to get you started.
Alexander Deussen Park:  http://hcp1.net/Parks/AlexanderDeussen.hiaspx
Fishing, swimming, hiking, a great dog park, many playgrounds, kite flying, boating, picnic areas..this free park has it all.  Lake Houston is at our doorstep...enjoy!

Jesse Jones Park: http://www.hcp4.net/community/parks/jones
This treasure on the far north side of the city has a lot to offer.  Visit the web site for a list of ongoing activities.  Pontoon boat rides, a visit to a pioneer and Native American village, a nature center, miles of hike and bike trails and fishing in Cypress Creek, plus lots of playground and picnic opportunities will make any family happy.

Galveston Island State Park  http://tpwd.texas.gov/state-parks/galveston-island
Just a short trip down I45 and a day of beach, sun, sand and picnicking waits your family.  For a small fee the day is yours.  Grills and covered picnic tables are just steps from the beach and on the bay side of the park miles of trails and lots of beautiful birds will entertain you for hours. 

On the east end of Galveston Island there are miles of beaches, great fishing and the Galveston/Bolivar ferry.  This free ferry ride goes to Bolivar Peninsula.  You can park your car and walk onto the ferry for a round trip ride, or take your car aboard and explore the peninsula.  Dolphins play alongside the ferries and gulls swoop down to catch bits of bread from the passengers.  Great fun!   http://www.galveston.com/galvestonferry/

Brazos Bend State Park http://tpwd.texas.gov/state-parks/brazos-bend
Screened in shelters and campsites are available if you would like to spend a few days with nature at its best.  The George Observatory located in the park gives a stunning view of the night sky.  More information is on the above web site.  Hiking, fishing and alligator watching provide thrills and picnic areas and grills are ready when you are hungry. 

 These are just a few of the opportunities nearby.   For the best time include the children in the planning.  Older boys and girls can do research and plan the route to the park.  Everyone can help pack supplies and food.  The whole family can make a list of what to take along! Don't forget kites, balls, blankets,  bubbles and books.  The preparation for the outing can be as much fun as the trip.


This is a good time to leave the electronic games at home, relax and enjoy this special time with the children!


Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Solving problems

  The quote above is important for all parents to remember.  Our children, and actually all humans, learn best by doing.

As loving parents who are trying to bring harmony, cooperation and joy to our families it is easy to lose sight of this simple idea.

Our words are really the least effective way to teach our children.  Watching us is only somewhat better and actually experiencing is by far the quickest path to learning.  How does that work in the every day life of a busy family?

We can begin by listening more and talking less.  For example, your child comes to you  angry and upset about something.  Our usual response is to start asking questions:  What happened?  What did you do?  Why did you do that?  These questions, although well meant, will often result in the child shutting down.

If we begin by acknowledging the child's feelings with sympathy this will help her to feel understood and cared for.  We can say: You really seem upset.  It looks like you had a tough day.  You look pretty sad.  Any comment like these will often help the child to express her feelings more easily.

So the child sees our concern, sees how to respond when someone is upset and sees that we are listening.
Allowing the child to experience his or her feelings is important.  Telling a child not to cry, not to be angry or minimizing the situation only confuses and upsets even more.

We truly want to help when we say:  Oh, it's not that bad.  Just forget about it.  Here's a cookie.
Instead,  try the ideas above to open up communication and often the child will solve their own problem.  We can help this process along by saying:  So what do you think you will do about that?  Do you have any ideas?
We can then offer some help this way:  I have a few ideas that have worked for other children your age.  Would you like to hear them?

In this case the child has been encouraged to experience their feelings, think of solutions and act on them and perhaps ask for help.  And this is the path to true understanding of what has happened and showed that we are confident that they can handle the problem.

Your comments and questions are welcome!  Look for more ideas in two weeks!  Also, you can go back and read the previous posts, as well.  Have a great beginning to the school year.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

HELPING YOUR CHILD IDENTIFY AND MANAGE ANGER


We often give children the message that being angry is bad.  Parents will say, “Don’t be upset” or “You shouldn't get mad over that.” Minimizing their feelings may also make the child doubt his own feelings or increase the anger.  Saying “It’s no big deal.” or “Don’t be such a baby.” will not solve the problem. Asking a child “Why are you so angry?” may  result in the child shutting down or making up a reason.  They may not really understand why they feel that way.
So how can parents help the child deal with situations that provoke anger, hurt and sadness?  All of these skills are most effective when modeled by the parents rather than talked about.
1.       Make sure the child understands that being angry is a normal emotion. Everyone feels angry at times.
2.      Show empathy and recognize the child’s feelings.  You might say: “Wow, you sure look upset.” or “You sound angry.”  Let the child respond without asking questions. 
3.       Identify inappropriate responses to anger:  name calling, physical aggression or any sort of violence, threatening, attempting to alienate friends.
4.      Show appropriate ways to deal with anger: telling the person that you are angry and why, writing about it, physical exercise, meditating, drawing a picture, hitting a pillow or other inanimate object.
5.      Be sure child sees adults using these techniques as they verbalize what they are doing.  This is not done directly to the child but within his hearing. For example: “It makes me angry when a friend forgets to meet me for lunch.  I waited a long time.  I am going to call her and tell her how upset I am and ask her to please call me if she can’t meet me.  But first I am going to take a walk around the block and calm down so I can help her to understand.”
6.      Remember we cannot take away inappropriate responses to anger without teaching more effective tools.  Then the anger is just suppressed and become worse.


GETTING FAMILY COOPERATION



.How to Engage Cooperation

Using language that helps the child to feel independent and does not set up power struggles between the adult and child will result in more cooperation and good will.  This way of addressing the child may feel awkward at first, but with practice will become more comfortable.

Tone of voice is very important.  Use a soft, but firm voice, stoop down and make eye contact with the child, and don’t forget to smile! 

All of these methods work.  Choose the one that best suits the situation.  Notice the use of “we” instead of “you” whenever possible.  This is a cooperative mode rather than a corrective one. 

When we would like a child to do something:

  • Would you show me how to hang up a coat?
  • How do we put our chairs under the table?
  • I wonder if you can close that door so quietly I can’t hear a sound?
  • I think you know how to carry the milk carefully.  Would you show me?
  • Where do books belong?
  • Do you think you could put all the toys away in 5 minutes?

Make a statement that is not accusatory but describes what you see:

  • I see paper on the floor. 
  • There is a coat on the chair.
  • Water got spilled.
  • Books are not on the shelf.
  • I see two boys yelling at each other.


State the rule:

  • In the house we walk.
  • In our house we never hit or hurt anyone.
  • We solve our problems without fighting.
  • We use quiet voices inside.
  • Toys belong on the shelves.
  • Trash belongs in the trash can.
  • Books belong on the shelf.
  • We wash our hands before we eat.

Using this method avoids negative statements (Don’t put paper on the floor.) and commands (Wash your hands.).  Negative statements and commands create resistance.  Remember, the task of the child is to become independent.  Commands and negative comments reinforce the child’s dependence on adults.  Positive statements assume the child is capable and reinforce the child’s feelings of competence.

If the child still resists after using these methods it can be helpful to ask: Can you do this by yourself or do you need help?

Only use this route if it is imperative to get the job done.

Depending on the child and the situation, sometimes you can create an atmosphere of trust and cooperation by stating something like this:
“I will be happy to help you.  I know how to pick up toys.”  This gentle approach will often result in the child saying she will help you!

·         Avoid power struggles
·         Expect the child to cooperate
·         Use a calm, quiet voice
·         Be firm but kind
·         Smile as often as possible
·         Be joyful in your tasks and the child will be joyful in hers
·         Never ask a child why they did or did not do something.  They usually have no idea.

Most problems can be avoided by dedication to consistency, lots of gentle lessons on how to do things, making sure the home is set us to foster independence, and most of all, providing the child with developmentally appropriate, real activities that engage the mind and body and encourage communication skills.

Remember..have fun and enjoy your family!