Building Empathy and Support When Your Child is Sad

We like to think of childhood as a happy time, a time when our sons and daughters are peaceful, free of stress and enjoying life.  Of course there are always those situations when our children are hurt, lonely, angry or any of the other human emotions.  It is during these times we tell them "Oh, it's not that bad." or "Don't cry." or "You'll get over it."  We mean well and think these statements will help console our sad boy or girl.  Unfortunately, the result is most often the opposite of what we intend.  So how do we go about helping?

First and always we must show the child that we understand and recognize how they are feeling.  For example, if a child is crying, rather than ask "Why are you crying?" try saying, "You look sad (or upset, or angry).  If the response is "I'm not sad" it is important not to argue, but just to say something like "I hope you feel better soon.  If you want to tell me about it I will listen."  Sometimes the child just needs a little time to process what is going on.  

Some phrases that work:

• Wow.  You seem angry.
• That is a sad face.
• You look like you are disappointed
• It seems your feelings might be hurt
• Oh gosh.  You are crying. 

Notice we never tell the child how they are feeling, only how it appears to us.  It is very important for the child to recognize and express their own feelings when they are ready.  

Once the child calms down we can offer help.  Again it is important not to give directions.  One way that often works is to say "I know some things that have helped other children.: If you want to hear them, let me know."  or "I have a few ideas when you are ready to hear them."  This helps the child feel in control of herself and the situation.  

If the child has made a mistake or broken a rule it is still important to show understanding before the consequences take place.  We can say things such as "Oh how sad.  Being out in the rain ruined your bike."  or "Uh oh.  Your sister took back her books.  It is sad that the pages got torn."

Showing understanding and empathy does not mean that we approve of the behavior, only that we understand the feelings and situation.  When we show empathy the child feels understood and loved and is more ready to face the consequences of her actions or to find a solution to her unhappiness. 

Although these ideas may seem strange to those of us who were parented differently, they do work and help the children to gain a true sense of responsibility and self worth.  

Please post comments and questions if you wish or share your experiences.  

The Importance of Family Meals

The Importance of Family Meals

How easy it is to let the family meal slip away from our every day lives.  We are busy, tired and sometimes feel that cooking at the end of the day is the last thing we want to do.  

Here are a few thoughts and some ideas that will help bring everyone together at the table. 

Why is it so important to share food with each other?  A child's first comfort comes from being held in a mother or father's arms and being fed.  Feeling cared for and loved is a need that continues throughout life and sharing a meal is an important element of life.  

This is a time for sharing stories, laughing and feeling close to one another.  Meal times should not be stressful or a time to teach children table manners and politeness.  These skills can be shared with the children at an earlier time as a lesson rather than a correction.  Of course, modeling the behavior we want to see is the best way to teach our children.  They want to be like us, to behave like us and to sound like us, so showing them our best manners and attitude is very important.  

When our society was largely agriculture based,  meals were always a family gathering.  Children helped pick fruit and vegetables, gathered eggs, milked the cows and participated in the preparation of the food.  As most of us live in towns and cities now how can we bring back this opportunity for family togetherness?

Here are a few ideas:

• Give children some choices as the meals for the week are being planned,  An hour spent on the weekend will result in easier week day evenings.  Make sure to present no more than two choices at a time:  "Should we have tacos or spaghetti on Monday?" 
• Let children help make the shopping list.  If they are old enough to write they love doing this job.
• Prepare as much as possible on the weekend.  Cook the soup, make the spaghetti sauce, wash and cut the vegetables.  Children love to help.  Montessori children help prepare snack on a daily basis.  Be sure to have serrated knives with round tips and child size tools when possible.  At the end of the blog is a link to a great source for these items.
• Set the table:  add a few flowers or herbs in a vase.  Children love to do this, and arrange flowers at school.  Small containers such as bottles and jars look lovely with just a few springs of green or a wild flower or two.  This helps make meal time a special occasion.
• Playing some soft music is pleasant and makes for good conversation. 
• Eating outside in good weather is relaxing, casual and fun for the whole family.
• \This is a good time to show how delicious and appealing healthy food can be.  Encourage, but do not force children to try new things.  Seeing parents enjoy a variety of food is the best way to get children to eat their meal.  
• Try to avoid processed food and restaurant take out.  Preparing the meal together sets the stage for a pleasant meal and is far more healthful for everyone.  
• Never use food as a punishment or reward.  The purpose of food is nourishment and enjoyment.  It is very important to remember this. 
• If the child doesn't want to eat, that is all right.  We cannot force a child to eat.  However, when the meal is over, there are no snacks or other food until the next meal.  If the child says he or she is hungry later, the answer is "You will really enjoy your next meal."  

At first, if this is too difficult to do everyday, begin with several meals a week and increase slowly.  Most of all cherish this time with your family.  The memories that are made by sharing food and stories around the table cannot be replaced.  ENJOY!

A source for child sized tools and cooking implements:  http://www.forsmallhands.com/

What to Do in Houston: Fall Fun for Everyoe

Beautiful autumn weather is here!  Time to get outdoors with our children and enjoy the season and have fun together. 

If you are up for a day trip the picture above is from Shangri La Gardens in Orange Texas, a pleasant 2 hour drive from Houston.  This is a true wonderland full of activities and natural beauty.  The Stark Foundation funds the gardens, a museum, a theater and a historical home in Orange.  From October 14 to November 7 there is a scarecrow festival where the garden paths are lined with creative scarecrows and pumpkins.  There is a children's garden, a lake, a pontoon boat ride on the bayou, an amazing nature center with children's activities and much more.  Go to http://starkculturalvenues.org/shangrilagardens/ for all of the activities and other informaltion. 

Boy Baking Stick Bread 

A not to be missed  and free event is Pioneer Days at Jesse Jones Park and Nature Center located at 
20634 Kenswick Drive  Humble, Texas 77338  www.hcp4.net/jones
Saturday, November 14, 2015 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. 
 DEMONSTRATIONS Pioneer construction skills, Spinning and weaving ,Daily settler chores, soap making Settler crafts,“Native” lore,  Survival skills, Reenactments Heritage music Pioneer cooking  a much more.  Chidren can participate in churning butter, grinding corn, pumping water, shooting an arrow, just to name a few.   The Pioneer homestead features a Corn crib and shed, Chicken house, Smokehouse, Wagon rides, Root cellar,  Log cabin, Wood shop, Bread oven,  Settler garden, Blacksmith shopm Mountain man camp and an authentic Akokisa Indian. 
Visit the web site above for more events:  An Old Fashioned Christmas, boat rides on Cypress Creek, fishing, nature walks, etc.  The park has picnic areas, playgrounds, hiking and biking trails and fishing.  

We don't have to spend a lot of money, fight crowds of people or travel many miles to have a great week. 

Picnics at nearby parks can be wonderful.  Pack a lunch, grill a burger, go kayaking, hike or bike the  trails, play games or read a book near a lake or under a tree.  With a little planning you have all you need for days of family fun.

We are fortunate to have many beautiful and free places close by.  Here are a few ideas to get you started.
Alexander Deussen Park:  http://hcp1.net/Parks/AlexanderDeussen.hiaspx
Fishing, swimming, hiking, a great dog park, many playgrounds, kite flying, boating, picnic areas..this free park has it all.  Lake Houston is at our doorstep...enjoy!

Jesse Jones Park: http://www.hcp4.net/community/parks/jones
This treasure on the far north side of the city has a lot to offer.  Visit the web site for a list of ongoing activities.  Pontoon boat rides, a visit to a pioneer and Native American village, a nature center, miles of hike and bike trails and fishing in Cypress Creek, plus lots of playground and picnic opportunities will make any family happy.

Galveston Island State Park  http://tpwd.texas.gov/state-parks/galveston-island
Just a short trip down I45 and a day of beach, sun, sand and picnicking waits your family.  For a small fee the day is yours.  Grills and covered picnic tables are just steps from the beach and on the bay side of the park miles of trails and lots of beautiful birds will entertain you for hours. 

On the east end of Galveston Island there are miles of beaches, great fishing and the Galveston/Bolivar ferry.  This free ferry ride goes to Bolivar Peninsula.  You can park your car and walk onto the ferry for a round trip ride, or take your car aboard and explore the peninsula.  Dolphins play alongside the ferries and gulls swoop down to catch bits of bread from the passengers.  Great fun!   http://www.galveston.com/galvestonferry/

Brazos Bend State Park http://tpwd.texas.gov/state-parks/brazos-bend
Screened in shelters and campsites are available if you would like to spend a few days with nature at its best.  The George Observatory located in the park gives a stunning view of the night sky.  More information is on the above web site.  Hiking, fishing and alligator watching provide thrills and picnic areas and grills are ready when you are hungry. 

 These are just a few of the opportunities nearby.   For the best time include the children in the planning.  Older boys and girls can do research and plan the route to the park.  Everyone can help pack supplies and food.  The whole family can make a list of what to take along! Don't forget kites, balls, blankets,  bubbles and books.  The preparation for the outing can be as much fun as the trip.

This is a good time to leave the electronic games at home, relax and enjoy this special time with the children!

Solving problems

  The quote above is important for all parents to remember.  Our children, and actually all humans, learn best by doing.

As loving parents who are trying to bring harmony, cooperation and joy to our families it is easy to lose sight of this simple idea.

Our words are really the least effective way to teach our children.  Watching us is only somewhat better and actually experiencing is by far the quickest path to learning.  How does that work in the every day life of a busy family?

We can begin by listening more and talking less.  For example, your child comes to you  angry and upset about something.  Our usual response is to start asking questions:  What happened?  What did you do?  Why did you do that?  These questions, although well meant, will often result in the child shutting down.

If we begin by acknowledging the child's feelings with sympathy this will help her to feel understood and cared for.  We can say: You really seem upset.  It looks like you had a tough day.  You look pretty sad.  Any comment like these will often help the child to express her feelings more easily.

So the child sees our concern, sees how to respond when someone is upset and sees that we are listening.
Allowing the child to experience his or her feelings is important.  Telling a child not to cry, not to be angry or minimizing the situation only confuses and upsets even more.

We truly want to help when we say:  Oh, it's not that bad.  Just forget about it.  Here's a cookie.
Instead,  try the ideas above to open up communication and often the child will solve their own problem.  We can help this process along by saying:  So what do you think you will do about that?  Do you have any ideas?
We can then offer some help this way:  I have a few ideas that have worked for other children your age.  Would you like to hear them?

In this case the child has been encouraged to experience their feelings, think of solutions and act on them and perhaps ask for help.  And this is the path to true understanding of what has happened and showed that we are confident that they can handle the problem.

Your comments and questions are welcome!  Look for more ideas in two weeks!  Also, you can go back and read the previous posts, as well.  Have a great beginning to the school year.

HELPING YOUR CHILD IDENTIFY AND MANAGE ANGER

We often give children the message that being angry is bad.  Parents will say, “Don’t be upset” or “You shouldn't get mad over that.” Minimizing their feelings may also make the child doubt his own feelings or increase the anger.  Saying “It’s no big deal.” or “Don’t be such a baby.” will not solve the problem. Asking a child “Why are you so angry?” may  result in the child shutting down or making up a reason.  They may not really understand why they feel that way.

So how can parents help the child deal with situations that provoke anger, hurt and sadness?  All of these skills are most effective when modeled by the parents rather than talked about.

1.       Make sure the child understands that being angry is a normal emotion. Everyone feels angry at times.

2.      Show empathy and recognize the child’s feelings.  You might say: “Wow, you sure look upset.” or “You sound angry.”  Let the child respond without asking questions. 

3.       Identify inappropriate responses to anger:  name calling, physical aggression or any sort of violence, threatening, attempting to alienate friends.

4.      Show appropriate ways to deal with anger: telling the person that you are angry and why, writing about it, physical exercise, meditating, drawing a picture, hitting a pillow or other inanimate object.

5.      Be sure child sees adults using these techniques as they verbalize what they are doing.  This is not done directly to the child but within his hearing. For example: “It makes me angry when a friend forgets to meet me for lunch.  I waited a long time.  I am going to call her and tell her how upset I am and ask her to please call me if she can’t meet me.  But first I am going to take a walk around the block and calm down so I can help her to understand.”

6.      Remember we cannot take away inappropriate responses to anger without teaching more effective tools.  Then the anger is just suppressed and become worse.

GETTING FAMILY COOPERATION

.How to Engage Cooperation

Using language that helps the child to feel independent and does not set up power struggles between the adult and child will result in more cooperation and good will.  This way of addressing the child may feel awkward at first, but with practice will become more comfortable.

Tone of voice is very important.  Use a soft, but firm voice, stoop down and make eye contact with the child, and don’t forget to smile! 

All of these methods work.  Choose the one that best suits the situation.  Notice the use of “we” instead of “you” whenever possible.  This is a cooperative mode rather than a corrective one. 

When we would like a child to do something:

• Would you show me how to hang up a coat?
• How do we put our chairs under the table?
• I wonder if you can close that door so quietly I can’t hear a sound?
• I think you know how to carry the milk carefully.  Would you show me?
• Where do books belong?
• Do you think you could put all the toys away in 5 minutes?

Make a statement that is not accusatory but describes what you see:

• I see paper on the floor. 
• There is a coat on the chair.
• Water got spilled.
• Books are not on the shelf.
• I see two boys yelling at each other.

State the rule:

• In the house we walk.
• In our house we never hit or hurt anyone.
• We solve our problems without fighting.
• We use quiet voices inside.
• Toys belong on the shelves.
• Trash belongs in the trash can.
• Books belong on the shelf.
• We wash our hands before we eat.

Using this method avoids negative statements (Don’t put paper on the floor.) and commands (Wash your hands.).  Negative statements and commands create resistance.  Remember, the task of the child is to become independent.  Commands and negative comments reinforce the child’s dependence on adults.  Positive statements assume the child is capable and reinforce the child’s feelings of competence.

If the child still resists after using these methods it can be helpful to ask: Can you do this by yourself or do you need help?

Only use this route if it is imperative to get the job done.

Depending on the child and the situation, sometimes you can create an atmosphere of trust and cooperation by stating something like this:

“I will be happy to help you.  I know how to pick up toys.”  This gentle approach will often result in the child saying she will help you!

·         Avoid power struggles

·         Expect the child to cooperate

·         Use a calm, quiet voice

·         Be firm but kind

·         Smile as often as possible

·         Be joyful in your tasks and the child will be joyful in hers

·         Never ask a child why they did or did not do something.  They usually have no idea.

Most problems can be avoided by dedication to consistency, lots of gentle lessons on how to do things, making sure the home is set us to foster independence, and most of all, providing the child with developmentally appropriate, real activities that engage the mind and body and encourage communication skills.

Remember..have fun and enjoy your family!

Screen time: how TV, video games and cell phones can harm our children

      

Family is the most important influence in a child's life, but television, videos and games are not far behind. These media can inform, entertain, and teach us. However, some of what they teach may not be the things you want your child to learn. TV programs, video games and commercials often show violence, alcohol or drug use, and sexual content that may not be suitable for children or teens. 

How screen time affects your child: There are many ways that media affect your child's life. When your child sits down to an electronic device, consider the following:

Time

Children in the United States watch over 4 hours of TV every day. Watching movies and playing video games only adds to time spent in front of a screen. It may be tempting to use television, movies, and video games to keep your child busy, but your child needs to spend as much time growing and learning as possible. Playing, reading, and spending time with friends and family are much healthier than sitting in front of a screen.  Spending time in nature is a critical part of the development of the mind and body.  Children do not learn how to interact and solve problems while watching a screen. They need real experience to learn these skills.

Nutrition

Children who spend too much time in front of a screen  are more likely to be overweight and weak. They do not spend as much time running, jumping, and getting the exercise they need. They also see many commercials for unhealthy foods, such as candy, snacks, sugary cereals, and drinks during children's programs. Commercials almost never give information about the foods children should eat to keep healthy.

Violence

If your child watches 3 to 4 hours of non-educational TV per day, he will have seen about 8,000 murders on TV by the time he finishes grade school. Children who see violence on television may not understand that real violence hurts and kills people. Even if the "good guys" use violence, children may learn that it is okay to use force to handle aggression and settle disagreements. It is best not to let your child watch violent programs and cartoons. Video games often  depict violence and criminal activity. 

Sex

Television and video games  expose children to adult behaviors but it usually does not show the risks and results of early sexual activity. On TV, sexual activity is shown as fun, exciting, and without any risks. Your child may copy what she sees on TV in order to feel more grown up.  Woman are often depicted as sexual objects which gives both boys and girls negative ideas about gender.  

Alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs

Young people today are surrounded by messages that say drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes or cigars are normal activities. These messages don't say that alcohol and tobacco harm people and may lead to death. Beer and wine are some of the most advertised products on television. TV programs and commercials often show people who drink and smoke as healthy, energetic, sexy, and successful. It is up to you to teach your child the truth about the dangers of alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs. 

Commercials

The average child sees more than 20,000 commercials each year. Commercials are quick, fast-paced, and entertaining. After seeing the same commercials over and over, your child can easily remember a song, slogan, or catchy phrase. Ads may try to convince your child that having a certain toy or eating a certain food will make him happy or popular. Older children can begin to understand how ads use pictures, music, and sound to entertain. Kids need to know that ads try to convince people to buy things they may not need.

Brain development

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends no screen time at all  for children age 2 or younger. For older children, the Academy recommends no more than 1 to 2 hours per day of educational, nonviolent programs and/or screen time of any sort.  There is a growing body of evidence that suggest negative changes in the way the brain functions and develops in children who watch TV or other screens at an early age, or too much after age 2.  Screen activities are increasingly linked to ADHD and other learning disabilities. Children of all ages are constantly learning new things. The first 2 years of  life are especially important  for the growth and development of your child's brain. During this time, children need good, positive interaction with other children and adults. Without this interaction children lack social skills and may become antisocial. The ability to concentrate, to draw conclusions and remember are also deeply affected. 

What We Can Do

As a parent, there are many ways you can help your child develop positive viewing habits. The following tips may help:

1. Set limits

Limit your child's use of TV, movies, and video and computer games to no more than 1 or 2 hours per day. Do not let your child watch TV while doing homework. Do not have a TV, computer or video games in the child's room. 

2. Plan your child's viewing

Instead of flipping through channels, use a program guide and the TV ratings to help you and your child choose shows. Turn the TV on to watch the program you chose and turn it off when the program is over.

3. Watch TV with your child

Whenever possible, watch TV with your child and talk about what you see. If your child is very young, she may not be able to tell the difference between a show, a commercial, a cartoon, or real life. Explain that characters on TV are make-believe and not real. Some "reality-based" programs may appear to be "real," but most of these shows focus on stories that will attract as many viewers as possible. Often these are stories about tragedy and violence. Much of their content is not appropriate for children. Young children may worry that what they see could happen to them or their family. News broadcasts also contain violent or inappropriate material. If your schedule prevents you from watching TV with your child, talk to her later about what she watched. Better yet, record the programs so that you can watch them with your child at a later time.

4. Find the right message

Even a poor program can turn out to be a learning experience if you help your child find the right message. Some television programs may portray people as stereotypes. Talk with your child about the real-life roles of women, the elderly, and people of other races that may not be shown on television. Discuss ways that people are different and ways that we are the same. Help your child learn tolerance for others. Remember, if you don't agree with certain subject matter, you can either turn off the TV or explain why you object.

5. Help your child resist commercials

Don't expect your child to be able to resist ads for toys, candy, snacks, cereal, drinks, or new TV programs without your help. When your child asks for products advertised on TV, explain that the purpose of commercials is to make people want things they may not need. Limit the number of commercials your child sees by watching public television stations (PBS). You can also record programs and leave out the commercials or buy or rent children's videos.

6.  Give other options

Watching TV can become a habit for your child. Help your child find other things to do with his time, such as the following:

• Playing
• Reading
• Activities with family, friends, or neighbors
• Learning a hobby, sport, instrument, or an art
• Helping with household tasks; gardening, dusting, folding clothes, etc. 

7. Set a good example

You are the most important role model in your child's life. Limiting your own screen time  and choosing programs carefully will help your child do the same.

8. Express your views

When you like or don't like something you see on television, make yourself heard. Write to the TV station, network, or the program's sponsor. Stations, networks, and sponsors pay attention to letters from the public. If you think a commercial is misleading, write down the product name, channel, and time you saw the commercial and describe your concerns. Call your local Better Business Bureau, or send the information to:

9.  Install blocks on your TV to eliminate any possibility of your child watching inappropriate programming.

 By knowing how television affects your children and by setting limits, you can help make your child's screen experience snot only enjoyable, but healthy too.

Natural Consequences or Punishment?

Which is most effective?

One of the most important aspects of being a parent is teaching our children to be responsible.  This is not an easy job, as I am sure you know.  When our children make mistakes or fail to take their contributions to the family and their school seriously we are faced with a decision.  How do we help our children to understand how important these things are?  

Traditionally some form of punishment has been the tool most used.  And it will work, but usually only as long as the parents are present and checking up on the child. Punishment often results in feelings of fear, anger and revenge toward the parent. 

What we wish for is willing cooperation, and a good attitude toward work  As our children become teenagers we hope they are able to make good choices,  stay true to our family values and to be an asset to the family, the school and ultimately, the world.  

Natural or logical consequences have helped many families successfully move toward these goals.  It does take a bit of re-thinking on our part.  

Here is an example of an effective consequence:

Eight year old Billy has a new bike.  He loves everything about it!  His parents show him a specific spot where the bike is to be parked when he is not using it.  They emphasize how important it is to keep the bike safe. For a week or so Billy parks the bike carefully each time he is finished riding.  But one day he is in a hurry and leaves it in the driveway.  Sadly, a delivery truck runs over the bike.  It is ruined beyond repair.  

Billy storms into the house, crying and upset.  This is where most parents would usually begin with "I told you not to leave your bike in the driveway.  Now look what you have done!"  Ah, but Billy already knows that.  

Now let"s look at another way to approach the problem which will result in a hard lesson well learned.  Billy storms into the kitchen yelling "My bike got run over.  It's ruined!"  Dad takes a moment to calm down, then says, "Oh wow.  That is so sad.  I can see you are really upset."  This little bit of sympathy is not approval of what happened but merely recognizing the child's feelings.  This results in the child being more able to hear what comes next.  It is very important not to sound angry at this point.  Billy, with tears on his face, says, "Dad, I am sorry.  I had to go to the bathroom and I forgot.  Can I get a new bike?"

This is the most important part!  Dad says: "Oh, I see how sorry you are.  Yes, of course you can get a new bike.  How will you pay for it?"  Bingo!  Billy sobs, and says he doesn't have any money.  "Please Dad.  I'll take care of it.  Please get me a new bike."  Dad says the budget for new bikes is all gone.  He then asks if Billy would like some ideas on how to make money.  Some possibilities are:  taking on some jobs (not his regular contributions to the family) such as weeding the flower bed, walking the dog, etc.  Another possibility is to allow the child to "sell" some of his possessions.  For example:  "I know you have a lot of Legos and a train set.  We could sell those and put the money toward a new bike."  Billy will probably say: "But I love those."  And of course the answer is, "Well, a new bike or keep your favorite toys.  It is your choice. Let me know what you decide/" 

Using this approach achieves several things.  It puts the responsibility on the child.  It helps the child to understand our actions have consequences.  It gives the child a choice about how to solve the problem and equally importantly, the child sees his parent as fair, understanding and very, very firm.  It is hard to be angry with a parent who is trying to help. 

If the child begins to whine, complain or have a temper tantrum, go back to our second session for help!

This approach does take practice, and with practice, will become a great tool for raising responsible children, teens and finally adults.  If you have the book Parenting with Love and Logic, read chapter 7:  The Recipe for Success:  Empathy with Consequences. Good luck and remember you can post questions at the bottom of this page or email me at :

virginiastautinger@gmail.com

Peace is Possible: Dealing with Complaining, Arguing and Begging

We wonder, is it too much to ask our children to cooperate, to accept no as an answer, to understand they cannot always have what they want? 

And yet for many of us, this is a daily battle.  The necessary tasks of life become a battle ground:  getting dressed, putting away belongings, helping out around the house and brushing teeth.

At the grocery store we are begged  for candy or toys, although we have said no many times.  And the list goes on.  

Lucky for us, there are some tried and true ideas that have worked for many parents.  These are not magic (wouldn't that be great?), they require hard work, lots of patience and possibly most important of all, consistency.  That last one was nearly my downfall. 

Let's begin with one simple response to begging and pleading.  We'll use the grocery store and asking for candy as an example.  Now, of course, before we leave for the store we make sure we say that there will be no candy purchases made today.  

As you begin to check out, the display of candy catches the child's eye.  "Mom, look.  That's my favorite candy!  Can I have one? "  "No, I told you, no candy at the store today."  "But, mom, I really want one.  I'll be good.  The next time I won't ask, I promise."  "I said, NO CANDY."  Our patience is wearing thin at this point, and we often follow up with "How many times do I have to tell you, NO."  Ah, and then the tears begin and the voice gets louder.  People are starting to give us "that look".  You know...why doesn't she control that kid look.  And everything goes downhill from here, including threats of punishment when we get home, never getting candy again and increasing anger on both sides.  

Instead, try this (I promise you it works!):  "Mom, there's my favorite candy!  Can I have one?"  "Oh, I know you really like that candy.  Today is the day we are not buying candy."  " But I really, really want one."

Now, here is the magic:  we choose a simple phrase to repeat every time the child argues, begs or whines.  I like "I know."  Some others are:  I see.  That's sad.  Oh my.  You get the idea.  And we must say this with the most quiet, bored voice possible.  No anger, no frustration, no sarcasm.  This is the hard part.  There may be a full fledged temper tantrum, but stick to the same words.  If necessary, leave the store.  (More about that next week.)  Before long the child gets the idea that begging, pleading, anger and whining do not work.  Children will only continue with behavior which gets a result.  That result may be making the parent angry (I am powerful.  I can make mom mad.) or getting the candy (Mom doesn't mean what she says) .  

Another idea that can work wonders in some situations is to turn our no into yes.  Now, that does not mean letting the child do whatever they want.  Often we can rephrase our response to a request like this: 

"Dad, can we go to the park and play ball?"  Now it is not possible.  You are busy, it is nearly dark and dinner is ready.  Of course, no is the answer.  Ah, but how about this: Yes, that would be a lot of fun.  We can go to the park on Saturday morning.  It should be a sunny day and I will be finished this job by then.  Or would you rather go on Sunday?  I can do either one.  The child may say he wants to go now and we respond: I know. Would you like to go on Saturday or Sunday?  Almost always the child will like having a choice and be understanding about the delay.  Save the no for those times when there isn't an alternative.  

For more help in this area please join us on October 14, 2016  at 8:30 a.m. in the elementary multipurpose room for our monthly Parenting with Love and Logic meeting.  Everyone is welcome, and you may also bring friends or relatives who may be interested.  Also, you may leave questions and comments by clicking on the comment button at the bottom of the page.  Have a great week!

Beginning the Journey!

Time for new beginnings as Spring begins to show the first signs of renewal and growth.  Welcome back to those of you who have attended our Love and Logic classes..  If you are joining us for the first time just a little background information to get you started. 

If you have not already done so, it will be of GREAT help to get a copy of the book Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Foster Cline (2006 edition).  It is available on Amazon and at most libraries.  

There will be new blog posts every two weeks.  You are encouraged to ask questions and comment after each post.  Each month there will also be suggested readings, some from the book and some which will be posted in the blog.  

To get us started let's look at the child's need to belong.  Many of the issues that arise in our families can spring from a conflict between the child's need to belong and the pressures of daily life. 

The Child’s Need to Belong:

At Home and In the World

One of my students wrote a story called “Lost and Found”.  The theme has been repeated in literature and art throughout time:  losing and regaining one’s place.  In her story a young leopard became separated from her parents in a blizzard.  Although she was very sad, she went about finding shelter, food, and joy in her environment.  She watched the stars, the birds and became adapted to her new life.  Eventually, the family was reunited.  The sense of belonging to herself, her family and to the larger world was clear. 

A basic need of all humans is to belong, to feel safe and at peace. In the home achieving this state of security is essential.  Four elements must take place for the child to truly belong to his family and home: orientation, communication, understanding, and contribution. 

Orientation, or the ability to function in one’s environment, begins at birth.  Maria Montessori talked of the infant’s ability to watch with great concentration all the activity that takes place around her.  Once the baby can crawl she explores every corner with all her senses, reaching, tasting, and listening to family life.  All young children are sensorial explorers and it is critical at this point to allow the child freedom and real activities, which will bond her to her home.  The predictability of finding toys and furniture in the same places, day after day, provides order to help this process. Practical life work at home gives each child the opportunity to become connected to the family and to feel useful.  As she dusts, polishes, cares for plants and animals and cares for herself the awareness that she belongs becomes integrated into everyday life.

Communication, both verbal and non-verbal, gives a deep message to the child that he belongs.  Think of how we feel when entering a room of strangers and someone smiles warmly, and extends a hand.  In the daily stress and business of life it is easy to forget to smile, to pat a child on the back, to hug, and to talk about our lives, hopes and dreams.  Children love to hear stories of when we were young, our adventures, and even our day.  Establishing a sense of family with conversation and body language tells our children that we value them, that they are part of a greater whole, and they have a place. Mealtimes are a great opportunity to talk, laugh and enjoy each other.  We show the children through example how to listen, and how to share

Developing understanding of our own culture and that of others brings about a sense of belonging to the larger world.  We are fortunate to have a multitude of cultures in Houston.  The children begin by learning the way to function in our own culture:  saying please and thank you, waiting to speak, caring for a friend, solving problems and all of the other social  graces help us to be part of our society.  As understanding develops, so do the child’s feelings of acceptance and appreciation of himself and others, preparing him to take his place in the larger world community.

As all of these elements come together, a desire to contribute to the family, the school, and the community is born.  Helping with the work at home has always been a part of childhood.  In times gone by children often worked alongside their parents, baking, plowing, planting, and repairing.  In our modern culture, these opportunities are often lost in the hustle of our lives.  Making time for family projects, doing chores together, planting a small garden, washing the car or painting a wall will bring the child into the family circle in a way that tells her she is valued and important It is clearly their home in a way that no words can convey.  Their contributions to the daily life of the family are appreciated and obvious.  Even the smallest child can mist a plant, sweep up a spill and return toys to the shelf ready for the next person.  As the child matures the desire to contribute to the larger community will be noticeable.  This is the time for community service:  cleaning a park or stream, recycling, collecting toys for charity, or donating time to a project.  As our young people move into the second plane of development (ages 6-9) those who have a true sense of belonging will be ready to take their places in the world as caring and responsible citizens, sure of themselves and of the contributions they can make. 

Spend some time thinking of ways to bond together in the work, play and joy of everyday life.  The rewards will be wonderful!